A Beginners Guide to Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn't always natural to us. In fact, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable and unnatural to share our needs with others. What if they don't listen or care? Or what if it makes them really angry and causes an even bigger rift in the relationship? These are real fears we all face when we attempt to set boundaries for the first time. Here are a few practical tips to help you get started with boundary setting in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries, to put it simply, are limits. Imagine your life and your body as a house with a white picket fence around it. Boundaries serve as a fence that is closed to people, words, and actions that you would like to keep out, and open to those things you would like to bring in. You get to decide what you allow and what you don't and those decisions are fluid and flexible.

How Do I Know if a Boundary Needs to Be Established?

Your body will usually let you know if a boundary has been crossed. Your stomach may feel sick, or your shoulders may tense up. Sometimes it feels like a jolt to your system because you are surprised by the person's actions toward you. Honing in on your body's signals can begin to help inform you on the boundaries that need to be established with others.

If you are consistently seeing behavior from someone that causes these kinds of reactions in your body, it's time to consider boundary setting. They may not realize they are hurting you, and the most loving thing to do is let them know your expectations and limits.

What Kinds of Boundaries Can I Set?

Boundaries are broken down into six categories:

• Physical boundaries - What kind of personal space do I need?

• Sexual boundaries-How much and in what ways do I want to be touched? How close do I want to be?

• Financial boundaries - Who has access to my money? How much access do I want to my financial resources?

• Intellectual boundaries - How do I need others to respect my ideas and opinions?

• Emotional boundaries - How much am I willing to share and be vulnerable with this person?

• Time boundaries - How much time and in what capacity am I comfortable spending time with this person?

How Do I Set Them?

Spend some time working through the questions above. Sometimes a journal is a helpful place to record hurtful scenarios and begin to explore what "fences" may help protect you from further harm. Here's a quick example:

Connie's husband has been open and honest about his porn addiction, but does not want to take steps toward recovery. He feels he can handle it on his own, even though he consistently relapses. She feels powerless to stop it and is beginning to feel defeated. What can Connie do?

She can uncover what would make her feel safe and communicate that with her husband. She may say something like, "In order to feel safe, I need you to start counseling and put monitoring software on your computer and your phone. I would like complete access to your passwords and accounts so that I can check them anytime I'm concerned that you have relapsed."

She's communicating clear steps so that he knows how to love her well through his recovery.

What if I Get a Bad Reaction?

I remember a counselor telling me once, "If you get a bad reaction, you know your boundaries are working on difficult people." Safe people will always respond with a change in behavior but difficult people may push back. Keep trying, friend, and know that setting boundaries is the kindest thing you can do. People may tell you the opposite, but we all have the right to respect our own bodies and hearts, even if that upsets others.

Special Note: You know the people in your life the best. If you anticipate an extremely negative response, boundaries can be set internally without sharing them. You may say, for example, that you will walk away or hang up the phone if they begin to spout cruel words. Their reaction is their responsibility. Your job is to set-up protection for yourself, and you have everything it takes to do that!